Harry Potter and the Seventh Film
by Lady Domino
Summary: An amusing look at what the seventh film script may look like. Harry has a new girlfriend, Draco finds out and Lord Voldemort makes an appearance. Complete.


Title: Harry Potter and the Seventh Film

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: T

Summary: Considering the way the Harry Potter films are going this might well be what the seventh one is like… Harry's got a new girlfriend, Draco finds out and Lord Voldemort makes an appearance.

Warnings: Hmm. Mild, comic violence and language.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. The Harry Potter films belong to Warner Bros. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

A/N: This one's for my wonderful Beta who knows what real film scripts actually look like.

Harry Potter and the Seventh Film

_Shot to a castle looking like HOGWARTS set in a… rocky mountain range. It is night, and the full moon drifts out from between the clouds. Far away we can hear a WEREWOLF howl, but our attention is drawn to a boy standing on top of the ASTROLOGY TOWER looking cold, but cool if you know what I mean. We recognise him as DRACO MALFOY gasp, shriek then watch as he turns and opens the door behind him. His blonde hair blows around strategically (he still hasn't worked out how to gel it himself since DOBBY left). The camera follows him down the stairs and then through corridors dimly lit with flickering torches. Despite the fact that HOGWARTS at night is full of GHOSTS, PREFECTS, FILCH, TEACHERS, FILCH'S CAT and STUDENT'S IN INVISIBILITY CLOAKS, MALFOY meets no one. He sighs, then walks into an unidentified room and gasps but in a cool, sexy sort of way. HARRY POTTER our hero is in the room, with his arms around PANSY PARKINSON don't ask. No, seriously. Just don't._

HARRY – Nothing happened!

_He lets go of her rather hurriedly._

MALFOY – Oh my God! PANSY, you're supposed to be dating me.

PANSY – I'm so sorry, DRACO. _(Pouts) _You're really nice but you don't quite cut it.

MALFOY – Nice? I'm not supposed to be nice. I'm supposed to be the cool bad guy all the girls love. _(Flicks hair, poses etc.)_

HARRY _(quietly)_ – Yeah, right, sure.

MALFOY – Right, that's it, I'm going to have to do what I should have done four films ago. My lord VOLDEMORT ? My lord! There's something you really need to see!

HARRY – Uh oh.

_VOLDEMORT Apparates into the middle of the room, so we conclude that this can't be HOGWARTS, because everyone knows you can't Apparate into HOGWARTS, right? Anyway, he is wearing pyjamas with the Dark Mark on them._

VOLDEMORT – For crying out loud MALFOY, it's three in the morning.

MALFOY _(Points)_ –Look, my lord, its HARRY POTTER, with PANSY. Kill him! _(To self sotto voice)_ Then I'll be the HOGWARTS official Sexiest Seventh-year.

VOLDEMORT – Aha. MWAHAHAHA!

_Everyone else yawns as he laughs for several minutes, and comes perilously close to coughing up a lung. _

VOLDEMORT (cont.) – Do not try to run POTTER, for you are within my grasp. Now nothing will save you. My Death Eaters have been foiled by you many times, but now you are at my mercy! This truly is the end!

HARRY – Eep!

_VOLDEMORT pulls a wand out of his waste band. Dramatic music/ creepy voice in background saying, 'the very wand, Mr POTTER, which gave you that scar'. Lightning flash through window. Cue HARRY to look determined._

PANSY – No! _(Looks uncharacteristically worried for a SLYTHERIN.)_

VOLDEMORT – Avada Kadavra!

HARRY – Oh God! _(Forgets to move out the way.)_

_PANSY throws herself in front of him and the spell hits her. She dies crying, 'I love you!'_

MALFOY – PANSY. My love! _(May tear out his hair, but unlikely as he spent four bloody hours styling it.)_

HARRY – My love!

_I know, it's unlikely, but this is yet another director and he has had PANSY/HARRY fantasies since the first book came out. _

VOLDEMORT – Damn! Avada Kadavra!

_The spell hits the wall behind HARRY who has thrown himself out of the way and actually moved faster than a spell travelling at god-only-knows-how-many miles an hour, but I'm sure it was going pretty fast._

VOLDEMORT – Merlin's Beard, and other such wizardly swear words. He's transfigured himself into a stuntman! For this, MCGONNAGAL, you will burn in hell…

MALFOY _(Snaps out of shock, smoothes hair and gives DRACO MALFOY sneer©.) _– You. VOLDEMORT. You killed PANSY. It is time for me to be a good guy despite overwhelming evidence that I'm an evil little snotball. Avada Kadavra!

_VOLDEMORT ducks. The spell soars over his head in slow mo. Meanwhile HARRY is edging towards the window and cursing the fact that unlike LORD VOLDEMORT, he can't Apparate in Hogwarts. He also has a makeup artist hovering nearby in case his scar gets smudged…_

VOLDEMORT – You dare fire at your Dark Lord! Take that – Avada Kadavra!

_The spell hits MALFOY, who dies, falling carefully so as to look at his best. Fangirls squeal, sob and commit suicide._

VOLDEMORT – I have been waiting to do that for a loonng time. Muhahahaha.

HARRY _(waiting heroically until his enemy is distracted in cackling) _– Avada Kadavra!

_The spell hits VOLDEMORT, who is picked up and thrown rather fakely through a wall which kind of crumbles like no wall I've ever seen… _

HARRY - Hey, I did it! Cool! I should sooooo be an Auror!

_VOLDEMORT stands up. I mean, what? He's alive?_

VOLDEMORT – Actually I can't be killed as I still have my plot points, oops, I mean Hocruxes– you on the other hand… Avada Kadavra!

_The spell hits Harry, who falls down._

_HARRY for some reason does not die instantaneously like every other person when hit with that spell, but has time to make a heroic last speech. _

HARRY – I'm sorry! I'm sorry I cheated on you GINNY! Uuurgh!

VOLDEMORT – MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA etc.

_End with long shot panning out from castle. WEREWOLF howls in background, HARRY POTTER creepy music plays, full moon slides behind a cloud in a spooky sort of way…._

- Fin -


End file.
